You know how it turns? In circles. Throw the record on, place the needle, let it run til the end, and rinse/repeat. Because everything’s cyclical, right?
Right??
The more things change, the more they stay the same. And that could not be more relevant right now.
And here I am back in my cycle of blogging my feelings.
And even though it’s been about five years since my last post, I can quite comfortably pick up where I last left off. The smoking crutch.
It’s been a wild five years, though.
In the summer of 2018, I was transferred to another state for my job. Right into a Jesus-loving, land-locked state. It was a culture shock compared to the large, cosmopolitan, world-class city I grew up in and around. And it was a new chapter of my life in many ways. This was the first time I lived further than maybe thirty miles from where I was born and grew up. I knew nobody, save the other co-worker who was transferred with me. I turned forty not too long before that move (still am!) and and my entire body started going haywire. The forties are bullshit, as far as metabolism and hormones are concerned.
I felt I had learned a lot from that last relationship I documented here. It made me take a break from any serious dating, since time heals everything, right? I learned to steer clear of problematic drinking. I cut back quite a bit from my partying days myself. That forty milestone, if nothing else, has taught me just how many calories are in practically every alcoholic beverage you can buy. The answer to that is too many to be worth it.
I got to the point to where I felt relatively comfortable in my own skin. Minus the expanding waistline and utter confusion about why that kept happening even though I was at times starving myself (more on that later). And of course, about the time that I decided to put myself back out there again, we started getting weird reports of people getting sick all over the world from some unknown virus. And yada, yada, yada…
Seriously, guys, the pandemic was wild. And at first (minus all the terrible death, suffering, and pain along with the almost complete breakdown of the healthcare system) it was wonderful. We had to stay at home. Stay inside. Don’t socialize. Stay away from people. I was content with that, as I’d not been in the new location all that long, and was struggling to really build a friend circle. Y’all, it’s tough in your 40’s to start a social network over from scratch – especially for an introvert. It was great. At first.
And then it wasn’t all that great. Isolation started to take its toll. Many of us realized we wouldn’t have our normal holidays and wouldn’t see our friends and family. A lot of people got sick. A lot of people died. So many people died. Looking back on the past three years alone, I can personally count dozens. Not all were from COVID. Enough were. Some were natural progressions of old age or other disease. But still, so many unexpected and shocking deaths. And it’s still continuing. Whether or not we got sick from COVID or somehow avoided it, we all paid a price going through that. Some of it was mental health. Some of it sedentary or unhealthy lifestyles.
2020 was probably the most difficult year I’ve had to date. I was fortunate, right at the beginning of all the lockdowns, to have family visit for a week. They came up on spring break, but nothing was open. Just beforehand, I had my first really scary close-ish encounter with a deadly tornado. I have always had a phobia of bad storms, dating back to childhood where I can recall hiding and crying and generally freaking out anytime a storm hit. I don’t hide and cry as much anymore, but it’s still pretty present.
But then my family left, and a long month and a half of isolation came slowly drifting in. Like I said, at first it was great. There was some work to be done, but not the normal hustle and bustle. I started trying to set into a good healthy exercise routine, which kinda stuck at first. And then I killed time with picking up different hobbies. I learned how to knit, for starters. I went through the bread-baking phase like everyone else (although I am still struggling with a sourdough starter), and my diet completely went to shit. Not totally my fault – grocery stores were being pushed to breaking points, and stock wasn’t always up to par. Like a lot of people, I started relying on food delivery, and am just pulling out of breaking that habit.
After a few weeks, though, the isolation started to get old. I longed for conversations that weren’t just texting. I had a hard time finding a good schedule to FaceTime or video chat people because everyone’s schedule seemed disjointed. And it’s almost like people simply forgot to talk to anyone outside of their covidsphere. Single people living alone suffered. I remember the first breaking point I had. I was sitting down to video chat with a friend. The weather was cloudy and overcast and there were some rain showers predicted to be moving in eventually. I was sitting outside on my patio, enjoying the outdoors for a bit.
And then suddenly, literally from what seemed like out of nowhere, I was introduced to what a derecho was, and I was not prepared. It was surreal, seeing this translucent force slowly approaching, and not exactly realizing that, oh shit, I need to get inside, until it was a little late. Laptop blown out of my lap as I was standing up, exclaiming, what the hell. Everything flying around my patio, as I’m trying to pick up my belongings and work my way inside. Power knocked off completely, and me sitting there with half charged everything in the middle of the afternoon.
Scared the balls out of me. And then once it swept through, and wreaked all kinds of havoc, it was gone. And there was substantial damage everywhere. I went outside and sat for a bit in my car, charging my phone up and texting people about what just happened. Hours passed, and the lights continued to stay off. And I started to become unglued. TV, internet – those were the things keeping me sane. Keeping me connected to the rest of the world over the past month and a half. That was the last straw, honestly. And I snapped.
I called a friend up who lived about half an hour out of town, not affected by this freak storm, and I simply said, look, I haven’t been near anyone over the past 2 weeks. I Clorox all my groceries and food bags before bringing them in. There is no chance I am sick. I don’t have a fever. I don’t have any symptoms. And I am coming over because I am not going to sit in the dark in silence all night. He said okay, absolutely, and I broke my lockdown. I packed up a few things, and headed over.
It was so nice being around people, to just chill, talk, and binge watch the first season of Jack Reacher. And they had a little puppy dog I could cuddle and play with. But simple human touch was the difference. I hadn’t had that in a month and a half. And after that night, I wasn’t sure I would have that again. But that was nice evening. And at the end of it, I was okay to go home and go to bed in my own bed, lights or no lights.
It took another day to get the power back, and it was very welcome.
That was the first of a few different breakdowns I’d have over the course of the last couple of years, and I’ve still not quite gone back to normal. Whatever normal was before the two-year upheaval. And I’m not the only one. A lot of people never went back full time to the office. I haven’t. I still work from home a few days out of each week. And I’m not sure it’s healthy. I think it can be, and can provide a really nice work/life balance. But I’m still working on finding that balance. But for me, I think that’s just a symptom of a chaotic and disorganized life.
However, I think the past few years have changed all of us. Sometimes not in the greatest way. But sometimes for the better. I started actually attending therapy sessions during the pandemic. It’s something I’ve needed for years, but have not had the resources I have now to do so. I’m currently in it now, which is a slow progression, but picking up this blog and reading back through some of the previous years I’ve used this as a tool in my toolbox has really shown me I need a few more tools to move along in a healthier way. We all do sometimes.
So, here’s to restarting that journey and moving onto another chapter!
startingoverpastmyprime 